THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.........................................

• Pair : A term given to a couple of complete buffoons due to arrive at your table, often used in a statement " We've got a right pair coming our way, partner. "
• Pudding raise : A bid made by a dim-witted, simple-minded partner .....the proverbial pudding.....who chooses to raise you in your suit to the 3 level, simply because he/she hasn't the gumption, nous, vision or ability to find a more constructive, inventive, informative, or creative ( alternative ) bid.
• Pin : Something a player needs to carry on his person to occasionally stick into partner's leg ( under the table ) in order to (a) keep him awake and fully focussed, or (b) to make him lead a card to trap an opponent's lower ranking honour underneath.
• Perfect bridge hand : This crops up when partner holds his cards in such a way, that the positioning of his fingers gives a perfect reading of the shape, distribution and strength of his holding.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE PUNCH DRUNK SYNDROME........... The most publicised variant of this syndrome is a neurological disorder, medically known as chronic traumatic encephalopathy. First diagnosed as boxer's dementia, it was not surprising to see boxers as the most affected group. However, it can also affect athletes in contact sports where they repeatedly experience violent head blows and concussion. Symptoms of course include tremors, loss of concentration, mental deterioration and speech problems. Yet strangely, a pseudo version of this syndrome has hit the bridge world in a big way. This unusual form of the syndrome has until recently remained largely undetected, but research shows that thousands of bridge players are affected by it. The main difference here is that the victims have all sustained repeated verbal attacks by their unforgiving and bullying partners, which leaves them with their " heads done in ". The never ending onslaught of insults and accusations have the equivalent impact of repeated hammer blows, which bring on extreme chemical reactions and imbalances within their brains. These chemical changes then cause permanent damage to countless cells in key parts of the brain, which result in identical symptoms ( to those listed above ) being observed. In effect, their minds have been completely shattered. As a concerned and caring psycho-analyst, who cannot offer these punch drunk bridge players any meaningful or corrective therapy....... I can only appeal to the bridge authorities around the world to put an immediate stop to bullying and aggressive behaviour for once and for all.

FEN BOY DECIDES TO TELL BIGOT A THING OR TWO......ON HOW TO REALLY MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF

Dear Bigot, I read your article with some interest, but down here in the Fens I have already established a reputation for myself.....which is second to none. In this backwater of England with its flat marshy plains, the bridge playing community know me as " Fen Boy ". I didn't need your advice on how to make a name for myself......I achieved that years ago doing it my way........the fen way ! So let me give you a lesson on how it can be done without resorting to any of your ludicrous, over-the-top suggestions. My tactics are simple but highly effective :

• Never keep your bidding within the point ranges stated on your system card. Prefer to open your hand with less than what your opponents expect.
• Open or overcall a spade irrespective of how many cards you have in that suit. Train partner to support spades by bidding no trumps at the lowest level.
• Always enquire every time an opponent opens a club to see if it is natural. If questioned about this say that (a) you did not see the alert or (b) there was no alert made.
• Whenever an opponent overcalls always ask if it could be on a 4 card suit....or better still if it is natural
• If you have nothing to say always hesitate for a long time before passing.
• After your bids rattle your fingers loudly on the table....until it is your turn to bid again.
• When an opponent makes a bid, no matter what the situation, ask if they have other bids available
• If you are at least half a board behind the play.....and you don't like your hand....excuse yourself for an urgent call of nature
• Whenever you play opponents using straightforward Acol, remember to ask them at all times if their bids have been natural.
• During the play of the hand ( the later the better ) ask for a review of the bidding. This works very well if you're already a board behind.
• When defending, and declarer seems to be concentrating very hard as to what to do next, pretend to look completely perplexed when he plays the next card. Query whether he was in hand, or in dummy, at that time. Then quickly apologise when it appears declarer was right.
• If opponents end up getting a bad score, comment on how wretched their luck is.
• Should you or your partner make a contract that should have been defeated, praise yourself or partner on how well the hand was played.
• In situations where opponents are arguing over a point of bidding (or play ), always agree with the one who is wrong.
• Whenever new opponents arrive at your table, remain them of how well you did last week.

So as far as I am concerned Bigot, you have much to learn from the master. Yours always in ascendency, Fen boy

MAKING A NAME FOR YOURSELF.........THE BIGOT-JOHNSON WAY Let's for pity's sake stand up for once and face the truth.......you play bridge at your club but you remain a nobody. One of the faceless ones who play in duplicate events and club competitions just to make up the numbers. But not anymore...... for help is now at hand to get you recognised..... to get you a reputation, which is clearly long overdue. In my club I am a legend......my reputation is with doubt staggering......and believe you me, when it comes to making a name for myself I 've done it big time. So follow these instructions to the letter, and within months you'll be the most talked about person in your club :

• When declarer, pick up your cards quickly, and get a bid down on the table so fast, the opponents have yet to sort their cards. Then start to look impatient......
• Bring some gum along to help you concentrate. Make sure you develop a chewing action in keeping with farmyard animals, especially cows.
• As declarer randomly lead from your own hand or dummy as you see fit.
• Fidget around in your seat like someone who has just had an unfortunate accident.
• At all times during the play, never hurry or even attempt to. Appear to be preoccupied by other things. Develop a habit of day-dreaming.
• When defending, be prepared to interrupt the play of the cards by chatting to partner. Always have it in your mind that the social aspect of the game takes priority.
• Never bother or waste time trying to remember the rules of play. Just do your own thing, and leave it to the TD to sort out any inadvertent breaches the opponents query.
• As declarer, claim as soon as you reach that point it becomes boring to play on.
• Should the opponents make a mistake, or hand you a gift, remember to smirk rather than smile
• Walk around the table whenever you are dummy, making sure to glance down at the opponents' cards. Use facial gestures to show shock, surprise or pleasure as you do so.
• During the play ask partner why he didn't return your lead. This will remind him to lead it the next time he's in.
• Constantly moan, groan and sigh whenever partner is playing the contract. Provide instant feedback on his declarer play rather than waiting till the end of the hand.
• Every so often psyche on several boards in a row, because even partner won't suspect you'll be stupid enough to try another on "the next one" .
• Regularly ask what trumps are....or what the contract is....if only to feign a moderate interest in what is going on.
• Before playing a card, keep the opposition waiting by half-pulling out several cards ( and then pushing them back ) during your protracted deliberations. But always make sure you eventually play the one you selected first.

JOHNNY FINDS A WAY.................................................................................... As always, Johnny Supremo was prepared to put a little thought into making his contract, Opting to bid 5S to win the auction over East's 5D, he then found himself doubled by East. Johnny appeared to have 3 losers: 2 minor suit Aces and the King of hearts. All 3 cards were with East, who had a big hand and a 1-3-5-4 distribution. Dummy had come down with: 974....AJxx....xx...KQ106 , opposite his AKQJ10xxx...Qxx....Q...x...A diamond was led and Johnny sitting South ruffed the continuation. Next came the Ace of spades which cleared trumps. The problem he faced was not to lose a heart. What plan if any could he find to secure this objective. Answer : lead his low club hoping West plays low ( which he did ) and stick in the six from dummy !! What can East do ? A diamond return would give him a ruff and sluff : then later on a ruffing finesse in clubs sets up the opportunity to lob away another losing heart. A heart return would be just as fatal with declarer only requiring one discard in hearts, which the ruffing club finesse will provide. A low club return would enable Johnny to effectively finesse the jack whoever holds it. If it is West, the queen of clubs will take the trick leaving declarer with K-10 in dummy, to obtain the ruffing finesse position against East's A-9. Alternatively if the jack is with East, then a low club enables dummy to win with the nine, with the KQ of clubs still there to secure a second discard in hearts. Such ingenuity..........but that's what makes Johnny so supreme.

HOW TO BE A TRULY ETHICAL PLAYER: A LESSON FROM ALVIN ROTH..........( Short article by Bridgemeister Gibson ) There are some bridge players out there, who are prepared to expose their partners as unethical players....but in a clever and subtle way. For these honest and ethical players, it becomes imperative to undo the damage unfairly inflicted upon their unsuspecting opponents. Indeed, Alvin Roth demonstrated the true meaning of restorative justice by this wonderful example of making partner regret the error of his ways. Alvin was defending 7NT in a high stake money game. The outcome of the contract rested on the heart suit in a critical 3 card ending. Declarer had three to the king in dummy, opposite his own AJ10, giving him a 2-way finesse option. Alvin was sitting with 3 to the queen under declarer's holding. South, who had started with 4 hearts originally, opened up the suit leading the jack of hearts from his own hand. West went into an Oscar winning performance of table antics, in a calculated attempt to make South (declarer) believe that he had the queen.....but inevitably playing low. South, taken in by all of this, also played low......as did Alvin !! When Roth's crestfallen partner saw Alvin's queen eventually fall under declarers Ace, he rounded on Alvin in no uncertain terms. " You could have defeated this contract....so why in God's name didn't you take the first heart trick with the queen.....when you were given the chance ? " Roth politely replied with a soft hint of sarcasm in his voice..." Oh, I'm so sorry.....but the way you behaved totally convinced me that you had it....so much so.... I figured the queen in my hand must have been a figment of my imagination. "

BRIDGE PLAYERS' SURVIVAL KIT..........SOMETHING THAT HAS LONG BEEN OVERDUE.......( Breath-taking, ground-breaking, outstanding article by Howard Bigot-Johnson ) Yes folks, if you care about others as much as yourself, you must tell them about this article. It is the proper and decent thing to do. And tell them to tell others, because what you are about to read may well save you ( and them ) from the torture and agony encountered within the competitive world of bridge. Yes, you know as well as me that big match arenas....... can be hell on earth. Far too many shell-shocked victims go limping away, determined never again to repeat the experience...........preferring instead to stay put in the safe havens and sanctuaries of their small super-friendly clubs. In such places peace treaties and pacifists are commonplace. But for the rest of us who enjoy the cut and thrust of heated encounters, we must recognise the fact that we too need some help in our quest to survive. So what I am suggesting is the revolutionary Bigot's Johnson Essential Survival Kit, containing the following twenty items........all of which are essential. Each item of course comes with a clear explanation of the precise circumstances in which it can be successfully employed:

• Prayer Mat ......for all those desperate moments when only God can save you from a pending disaster
• Ear Muffs.....guaranteed to block out partner's screams, and yells of derision
• Abacus ( 4 rows of 13 ) ....to assist you should you encounter moments of short-term memory loss
• Crash Helmet .......should you ever feel compelled to bang your head against a wall
• Powerful Antidepressants ......for emergency situations when you fast lose the will to live
• Smiling Face Mask ....for when it becomes impossible to show appreciation and warmth towards others
• Morphine Tablets .....to be taken when bad results really begin to hurt
• Flak Jacket .... in case any flak comes your way from an irate partner
• Muffle Cushion ....should you ever want to vent your frustration by screaming out loud
• Ice Pack ... to help cool you down should you get hot under the collar
• Ice Pick ..... to bury into whoever is causing you pain and grief
• Oxygen Tank ...for those inevitable moments when someone or something has taken your breath away
• Voodoo Doll ( with pins ) ..ideal way to deal with those you seek to inflict vengence upon
• Answer Book ....full of excuses to defend your actions, couched in unintelligible bridge gobbledegook
• Sudoku Book ....to occupy your mind, when players at your table " go into the tank "
• Will ( blank copy of ) .... in case item 5 ( see above ) fails to work
• Loaded Shotgun .....just for deterrent effect in case partner gets too nasty
• Matchsticks ....to help you stay away should slow players send you to sleep ( and you can't do sudoku )
• Crime Sheet ( spare copy ) ..... this will please partner if you fill it out on yourself saving him time and effort
• Alcohol Flask ( minimum 20% proof ) ....guaranteed to drain your sorrows